Same Script, Different Cast

so, this seems to happen to me all the time and i just can't understand why. ok, i meet someone. a really cool guy and then he says, "you know you are really cool and i would like to hang out more and get to know you a little more. can i have your number so we can keep in touch?" of course,i give him my number because if i am talking to him and enjoyin myself, we obviously can talk and i like someone that i can have good conversation with because i am a talker. so, we talk, 2, maybe 3 times and all of a sudden, i don't ever hear from him again. now, you would think that i have a problem, right? yes, of course. maybe i am saying too much. maybe i am not saying enough. maybe a mixture of both depending on what we are talking about, but the same thing tends to happen. i will stop calling also and i will not contact him in any way. the next thing i know, he is blowing up my phone and he is emailing me and, all of a sudden, he wants to talk to me all the time. or, he will see me out and then he will be so sorry that he didn't call me before and he wants to call me again, if that's ok with me. ok, why does this happen? i don't think i say too much. i am just me. when it comes to talking about relationships, i will tell you want i feel. if you ask me a question, be prepared for the answer or else don't ask it. for example, question: what are you looking for in a man? answer: well, that is kind of a broad question, but i guess i can sum it all up by saying that first, i am assuming that the man in question is someone that i am talking to and getting to know and may have romantic feelings for. second, the main thing i look for is honesty. i want someone to be straight forward with me. i am a straight forward person. i will tell you if you do something i don't like, but i will also tell you if you do something i am happy with. i am no holds barred. now, for the man that says he wants to get to know me and who i am, that should be refreshing to know that i am going to be honest with you and all i want from you is to be honest with me. but the next thing i know, he is closed...just like a clam shell. now, why are men so scared of women? that is the question i want to know. and on the other hand, i want to know why this "challenge" just makes me want to conquer this man? when i have conquered him (which i have sometimes done), i don't want him anymore anyway. why am i so attracted to the thrill of the chase? and why do men feel like they have to be so elusive? it makes absolutely no sense to me and i don't think i will ever understand it and i have to tell you, honestly, i am getting really tired of it!

I'm it, but I'm late!!!!!!

Ten years ago: 1995...hmmm, it was the first year of my bad 4 year relationship after which i have had NO real relationship! geez, i'm starting out bad, but i do have to say, i loved college. i had a great time at the beginning.

Five years ago: well, 2000 was worse than 1995. i almost flunked out of college because i fell into a deep depression after the "break-up" and didn't leave my apartment. no, not even to go to class. but i did major damage control and got mostly incompletes, worked my ass off that summer and walked. i had 2 more credits to earn, so i took a correspondence course about a year and a half later and got my degree. yeah, those were hard years for me.

One year ago: i was doing the same thing i am doing now, making less money, but i was 25 lbs lighter! time does not seem to be on my side.

Five snacks:
-Almonds
-Pecans
-Cashews (i guess i should just say nuts, huh?)
-Celery and peanut butter
-Popcorn

Five songs I know all the words to:
- "Superwoma" Karen White
- "My Way" Frank Sinatra
- "O Holy Night" who did write that?
- "The Star Spangled Banner" Francis Scott Key (right?)
- thanks DQ...a lot of tv theme songs

Five things I would do with $100 million:
- share with my family
- pay off my debt
- travel and invest
- donate to charity
- work part time and leave time to pursue my dreams

Five places to run away to:
- Home (my mom's house)
- the part
- a bar
- my room
- anywhere, but the U.S.

Five things I would never wear:
- anything made of wool
- anything spandex
- my hair in a wrap "style"
- a jheri curl
- ugg boots

Five favorite TV Shows:
- Charmed
- all the CSI's
- ER
- Alias
- Medium

Five biggest joys:
- my nieces
- singing along to music i love
- reading a great book with a great love story (thanks again, DQ)
- being loved by someone, for real (although, that hasn't happened to me. i am just guessing)
- being on stage

Five favorite toys:
- anything electronic
- anything new
- um, my unmentionables
- my knitting needles
- a paint brush and canvas

Five people to pass this on to:
everyone i know has done this, so i am going to stop it here.

You found out...

i got a crush on you!!!!! oh yes, i have a huge crush. ask my friends and they will tell you that i am going to marry this man! at least that is what i say. "i met the man i want to marry!" want and what you get are sometimes very different things though. so what do you do when you have a huge crush on someone and you figure that they may have some idea, but you really want to be friends with this person because they are one of the coolest people you have ever met? what happens when they think your crush will get in the way of having a normal friendship and they forego being friends with you to avoid those awkward moments that may happen when only one person in the friendship has deeper feelings for the other? who knows! who cares, really?! i don't. at least not now. at this point, i am content on just having a crush. i am a dreamer. day or night, they just seem to run through my head all the time. even as i am typing this, i catch myself daydreaming. i can't control it!

so, what happens next? nothing. i just crush on! and enjoy the ride!

Hurricane Shmurricane

for all those that have been watching the news about the hurricane, you know that it has shown some serious flaws in the way our government treats problems in different areas. with katrina, our gov't has basically downplayed the devastation of it all. it was not until people started to cuss the gov't out that they actually felt they needed to take bigger steps in the relief effort.

there have been many arguments that this is a race issue. i disagree, the media coverage is the area where race has become an issue, and i will address that in a moment. the gov't has made this a money issue and a class issue. it is evidenced in the response. how long do you think it would have taken the gov't to intervene if this had happened in greenwich, connecticut? how long would it have taken them if this was nyc? we know how long because of 9/11. we know that they would have been here right away. you see, i believe wholeheartedly that george bush has one thing and one thing only on his mind. how we look in the eyes of our onlookers. remember when the tsunami first happened? g dub promised a certain amount of money, but then, when we were criticized for not giving enough, he raised the amount we were giving. now, forget that we are at war at this time and barely have the money to keep our soldiers safe, we are going to deplete our funds helping another country because others have said that we aren't giving enough. so, now we are at katrina. where is our country's aid now? oh, there it is, on the outskirts of the worst devastation.

the media's coverage on the hurricane is deplorable!!!! it's been broadcast all over the place, so i won't go into it again, but just as a reminder...the black families need food just as much as the white families and they are getting it in the same way. it is not looting just because they are black. FYI

there are all kinds of ways that the gov't failed the south, and the irony of it is, those are some of the states that g dub won in the last election. he loved them when they voted him into office for a second term, but when they are floating in a river of their own dead and feces, he is only going to love them from afar...in the sky in air force 1.

I love you too?

so, i was talking to someone that i used to deal with and when we were involved he didn't love me. i loved him and i cared about him. i found out later that he was manipulative and he used me, but now he wants to say i love you. he has said it a few times and i kind of just blew it off and didn't really address it. at one point he said, "i know you don't believe me, but i do." he's right and he's wrong. see, i believe that he wants to love. i don't, on the other hand, believe that he wants to love me, nor that he loves me. well, i got sick of hearing him say it, so i said, "i love you too." wrong? very. why? i have no idea. i think i felt sorry for him and i didn't really want to hurt his feelings. as much as he hurt me, i am still too nice of a person. i can't bring myself to hurt someone on purpose. so, where are we now? nowhere, thank goodness because i have not talked to him since and i really don't want to.

Talk is cheap

ok, so i have a friend that i have written about on here before. he's the lawyer, really wants to be with me, but he's long distance and i just don't have the feelings. so, we're talking again. his birthday is coming up and i invited him to come and visit. well, he said he would not come if i didn't say straight out that i wanted to see him. ummm, hello, duh. i just invited you. this is one of the things that gets to me. if i am inviting you to come and visit, doesn't that mean that i want to see you? yes, it does (for those of you that need the clarification).

ok, i can honestly say that i understand what he was trying to do. i know that he wanted to hear me say that i wanted to see him. i understand that, but how many times do i have to tell him that i am not the kind of person that verbalizes her feelings all the time? i am not a talker. i am a shower. i believe talk is cheap and if all you can do is talk than you don't really have a lot going for you, do you?

so, i indulged him. i said, "i want to see you." i still don't know if he is coming, but at least i put a smile on his face. ;)

Potpurri

ok, it's been a little while, but i have to get some things out of my head. where do i begin?

friends. how many do i have? hmmmm, i have always known that i am the kind of person that has more acquaintances than friends. i think the sad thing that i have come to realize is that some of the people that i used to consider to be friends have actually been much less so. i have never been the kind of person that has been needy. i don't need reassurance from the people in my life that they care for me, but what i do want, and what i think is fair is to request that they at least act interested in my life and in me and what i am doing. i have blogged about this before. about my friends who have not bothered to come visit me. well, i'm going to make a long story short. there was a group email going around and some of my "friends" were on the list. well, i replied to a series of emails and was just straight and honest, as i tend to be, and one of the people on the list had the nerve to tell me that i was turning into a bitch. it is funny. she is one that i haven't talked to in a couple of years. she is one that i stopped calling a friend a long time ago because i don't trust her. i have changed. i have grown up. i don't tolerate the same shit i used to and she is one of the people that i cut out on purpose. so i wrote her back and told her so. she did write back. and that is what she always does. so, someone calls you a bitch and you write back to defend yourself, but they don't write you back. funny, huh? i am so done.

what else is on my mind? so much, i am almost confused and i don't know what to think about next. i have so many thoughts swimming around. i am going to a knitting circle on saturday. i don't knit and i don't crochet. i have and i know the basics, but i don't do it well. i am going because i know that i am going to enjoy myself and i know that i need the relaxation. i am looking forward to it like you won't believe!!!!!

i want to write about my life. in chronological order. the beginning is blurry because i was young, but i want to talk about it. before i do so, i have to say that i am a person who is very weary of religion. i am a spiritual person and i know what God has done in my life, but i am very hesitant to join a church. in the end, you will know why.

i was born october 21, 1976. i was born in queens and my mother eventually bought a house in long island (uniondale) and we moved there. my father left my mother soon after i was born. i have struggled with that for a long time. i always feel like he left because of me. i wasn't the most beautiful baby in the world. let my mother tell it though, i was the most beautiful she had ever seen. my older sister was the cutest, but i digress. i feel like he left because it was too much pressure for him. even though he helped make me, i think i was too much. i remember kindegarten. my teacher was ms. turner. that was in uniondale. at 5 years old, i remember being in north carolina in 1st grade. my teacher was ms. dixon and we had class in a trailer. you know the kind they put on school yards that don't have enough room in the building. it was annunciation. that was the name of the school. it was a catholic private school. my cousins lived in NC also, and my older one was very mean to me. she punched me in the stomach when we were on the playground one day and she also tried to push me in front of a swing while someone was on it. we are friends now, but back then we didn't get along too well. 2nd grade was still in NC, but a different school. my teacher was ms. strayhorn. she hated me. i know she did. she was soooo mean to me. 3rd grade, i started school late at military trails elementary school in FL. i didn't stay there though. i changed schools in the middle of the year and went to king's academy. a non-denominational private school that my mother had to work extra hard to pay for my sister and i. my teacher was mrs. osborne. she was so nice to me, but i got caught lying once and was sent to the counelors office and got swatted. my mother never even hit us at home. i was at king's academy until 6th grade and then we moved to public school. that was a hard tranisition for me. i am the kind of person that fits in anywhere because i know how to adapt. i know how to change and grow and mold myself to my surroundings, so i never had trouble making friends. i tried out for cheerleading in 7th grade and i was hooked. i was very good at it. after 9th grade, i wanted to audition for the performing arts school that was opening in my area, but i couldn't. we moved to indiana. my mom got caught up in this...i don't know what to call it, so i will say cult. it is called the way international. she got involved when i was in 4th or 5th grade and when i was going to 10th grade she decided to join what was called the way corps. their idea was to train people in religion in much the same way the military is trained. they made my mother quit her job and move to a "campus" where our every move was watched. she didn't even have the liberty to discipline us the way she felt necessary. if it wasn't their way, they kicked you out. that couldn't happen to us. we had no where to go. we were there until i graduated from high school. i went to college in indiana and i left as soon as i could get out. i moved back to NY when i was 24. i had nothing. my first apartment had nothing but an air mattress and a tv for about 6 months when i could afford to buy bedroom furniture. a few months after that, my boss gave me some furniture that she had in storage and wasn't using. then i saved money and i bought brand new furniture. now i have a fully furnished apartment in a much better area and i am doing really well for myself. i have left a lot out. there is so much more to tell. my bad relationships and what happned in them. actually, there was only one bad one. i think i will save that for another blog. that was a real abbreviated version. thanks for listening.

It's lonely at the top...

i moved to new york because i really wanted to. i have always wanted to come back here. i was born here and it has always been in my heart. it was convenient for me to come because i was running away. i had to get out of where i was because i had gotten out of a relationship with someone who had moved on and i couldn't bear it if i had seen him with someone else, so i got out as soon as i could. it has now been 4 years and i have been all over the place visiting friends and family. my family has come to see me quite a few times. my friends on the other hand...not once has a friend come to visit me. not once. it is sad. it hurts my feelings. i have friends that always have visitors that they knew from college and stuff and everyone is always saying, "oh, you will get to meet her when she comes in february." and i do meet them, and they are nice, but you know what is so sad. i never have anyone to introduce to my friends here. they don't come to visit. i've been to visit all of them. it really makes me sad...

on to another subject. my friend, that is so in love with me. made me so mad today that i told him not to ever call me again. he hung up on me after screaming at me and telling me to shut up. i don't respond well to that. i don't do it to people and i don't ever expect it to be done to me. so, that's that. i won't have to worry about him anymore.

I'm it!!!!!!!!

thanks to Fuego by way of DQ, i am now it!!!!!!!! so, here goes!!!!!!!

Total # of books I own:

um, a lot. i keep everything that i have ever read. even magazines!!!!!!! how many cosmos do i have? a ton!!!!!!

Last book I bought:

well, i actually bought 2 books at the same time. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Inheritance.

Last book I read:

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Book I am currently reading:

Confession by Elizabeth Gage. it is about a woman who leaves her husband and runs away with her daughter's boyfriend. i am not done yet, but it is very interesting.

First memory of a book:

Amelia Bedelia. i used to love those books. i always thought it was so funny how she took everything literally. imagine my joy when i saw the my neice is reading them also!!!!!!

Five books that mean a lot to me:

1. i have to say The Bible. this book is of the utmost importance to me. it is a manual for life. everything in it can't be taken literally because the times are different, but it is our job to read it and see exactly what God intended for us to get out of it when we read it our day and time. He knew what the world was going to be because he is all knowing, and i believe that He made everything applicable to us. it is up to us to figure out how. and this is the journey. my favorite part is Proverbs 31. it talks about being a virtuous woman and that is the kind of woman i want to be.

2. The One in the Middle is the Green Kangaroo. i am a middle child and this is about a middle child finding the spotlight for once.

3. The Making of Haiti. i am haitian and have not yet had the opportunity to visit the country my family comes from, so reading about the history of it is very important to me.

4. Jane Eyre. My mother bought me this book. i hated it and i couldn't even finish it, but it was a gift from my mother, so i love it.

5. All About Me. this is a book that i bought that kind of serves as a diary. it has questions that i have to answer and it will be great one day for my kids to know who i was when i was young.


Books I'm looking forward to being consumed:

Inheritance. it is the second book in a series that i started a year ago. it just came out and it is a really interesting story. i can't wait to see what happens. it is amazing...this author is only 16 and he already has a best seller!!!!!!!!!!!

Books that are underrated:

The Grapes of Wrath. i really enjoyed this book. i never wanted to read it because i always considered it a "smart book", but it was really great. it had a sad ending, but it was still, all in all, a good book.

The Catcher in the Rye. another "smart book." i loved it. there is so much cussing in it and it is fun to read. the writer writes like he is talking and it is a little hard to follow sometimes, but it is really fun to read the story.

Books that are overrated:

Jane Eyre. all i can say is, What?

Memoirs of a Geisha. ok, i liked the book, i did, but it is not ALL THAT. i really enjoyed reading about the history of Geisha. Japanese history is very interesting and it was really educational for me to learn about the purpose of Geisha.

ok, that wasn't so bad!!!!!!! i will be getting TD next, if she hasn't been tagged by Max. Enjoy!!!!!!!!

Weight a minute...

ok, let's talk about this. our society has made it really hard on women, in particular, to be happy with themselves, no matter what they look like. for example. you have actresses like kelly ripa saying she was overweight in high school...she weighed 128 pounds. you have people talking about how huge renee zellweger got for the bridget jones movies...she was in a size 14 (the average size of american women). you have designer clothes that don't make clothes above a certain size. when was the last time you saw the average woman, not starr jones or oprah winfrey, wearing prada? and i don't mean the shoes. when you are fat, you have to shop at a special store and the prices are just as inflated as the clothes. it is so hard to come to terms with who you are and what you are worth in this country when everytime you turn around you see women killing themselves to be skinny. women who think they will not be loved if they are an ounce overweight. the pressure for men is not as bad. no, it's not. there is a brand of jeans called evisu...they are really expensive, designer jeans. when you go to the women's section, you will be hard pressed to find the jeans in plus sizes. i know a guy who is really big, and don't you know he was able to find a pair of evisu jeans for himself!!!! why is it that glamour is associated with thin? have you noticed that when you watch commercials, the classy, rich women are portrayed as thin. when you see a commercial featuring low income families or for discount stores (such as the big lots commercial), the women they use are frumpy, overweight and plain. so, i am talking to my friends today. i love them and they love me, so when they heard what i said they jumped on it because they wanted to be sure that i know i am priceless and that i am beautiful no matter what i look like. i said, "i got on the scale today and it was down 4 pounds. 4 down, 80 more to go!!!" ok, the number is high. at least, it seems so to them. to me, it is not really high, but my experience and knowledge has taught me that to put a number on weight loss is really very hard. you see, i am pretty muscular. i am also, overweight, but under all the fat, i have a lot of muscle. because muscle is denser than fat, the number i see on the scale is higher. having said that, i can really stand to lose a lot of weight. see, i don't want to lose weight to get a boyfriend, to get a job or to be beautiful. i am already beautiful. i love who i am. i am a good person, i treat people well and i can even honestly say that i think i am pretty easy on the eyes. of course everyone has those days when they just feel like warmed over shit. i have those days, but all in all, i can look in the mirror and find something about myself that i love. so, why am i discussing all this? well, because i want to make a point. you see, i don't have a problem with myself. i want to lose weight so that i can be more comfortable. in my clothes, out of my clothes, in the heat, on the train, on the bus, at a park, etc. i am doing it for myself, but the pressure in this society is so high that when i mentioned losing weight, my friends thought that i was putting an unrealistic number on the loss and they actually got worried about me. it is because they care for me. i know that, but it is just amazing to me to see that it was necessary. because, you see, a lot of people need that. they don't have the friends and the family that i have. they really think that they need to be skinny to be loved. i'm thankful to have my friends who make me feel really good about myself. i am thankful to have friends that want to protect me from potentially hurting myself to fit the image that society says i should be. i am thankful to have my friends...

Mopey Molly

i have a friend. he is tall, dark and handsome. no, literally. he's a lawyer. he is really sweet. i don't have romantic feelings for him. my feelings for him go no further than lust. plain and simple. i have known him for about 7 or so years and he says that he has had feelings for me the whole time. he told me just recently how deeply his feelings ran and i was floored. i didn't know what to say. i care for him and i love him, but not in the way he wants me to. he said that i made him want to be a better man. he said that he wants to do whatever it is that would make me the happiest person on earth. he said he would do that if he had the power. looks like i can be happy if i let myself, right? no. i don't know why, but i just can't feel attracted to him. it may have something to do with the fact that i don't trust easily. i don't know. or it may have something to do with the fact that i think he is a worry wart. well, i would exactly call him that, but sometimes he acts like a girl. for example. we live in different states. he is in michigan and i am in new york. he has a girlfriend there, but before you say anything you should know that he did not always have the girlfriend. the girl was a girl he was seeing and hesitated to make it official until he knew what would happen with he and i. he only made it official after i began seeing someone. well, he calls me in the morning and he calls at the time when i am in the shower or should be in the shower and should be getting ready to leave, so i don't really have time to talk. when he is not calling me in the morning he is calling me while i am at work. i don't answer my cell phone at work...i think it is tacky. well, so he says to me the other day, "i'm not going to call you in the morning anymore. i wonder if you are not picking up because you are with someone. i don't mean to be a nuisance, but it is really hard to reach you by phone." HUH?! ok, first, you shouldn't call me in the morning because i have to work and i don't want to be late because i stopped getting ready for talking to you. second, so what if i am with someone. you have a girlfriend and that doesn't stop me from calling you. you say you don't mean to be a nuisance, but look. you are complaining about me not picking up and say it is because you don't like the thought that i may be with someone else, but here you are on the other side with a girlfriend. isn't that just a little hypocritical? he says he is my friend, so why not just be happy for me if i have someone to keep me company? he has it, so why is it a bad thing when i do?

so, i guess those can be reasons why i just can't feel for him the way he wants me to. i personally don't really like talking on the phone. it makes my ear hot. i would prefer to text!!!!! but i really can't stand it when someone thinks you are mad at them or you don't want to talk to them if you haven't talked to them for a while. please don't be a mopey molly.

Untitled

i didn't realize it had been so long since i have posted. i need this outlet sometimes because it is easier to release my thoughts to the open space, where i am not sure who will read it. it's ok with me though because they don't know me. they can think what they want to think and i will be ok with that.

i'm at a crossroads in my life. i think i have been here for a few years now. i have a dream that i want to fulfill, but the fact that i have to live and pay my bills prevents me from doing so. i decided to go back to school because i can't do what i am doing forever. don't get me wrong. although i can think of many other things that i would love to do, the people i work with are nice (except for the occasional dud here and there, but that's everywhere), my bosses are extra cool (except when they make me stay late, but that's everywhere too), and it is a really tight environment. when i say tight, i mean everyone takes care of each other. my bosses take care of us and they stand up for us when they need to. there are not a lot of places that i would not be able to find the kind of working environment that i have, but my days are filled with wondering what will happen to me. i have a friend that just got engaged and it reminded me of how really alone i am. sure, i am surrounded by friends, but i want more than friends. there is no one there to pick me up when i feel like i just can't do it anymore. there is no one there to tell me that no matter what, what is meant to happen is going to be the best for me, but is that what my problem is? am i looking too much for someone to tell me all of this and not believing enough in the power of my Heavenly Father? have i really come to a point where i have forgotten that my life is His and that He has a plan for me and that i needn't worry. i have to do my part, but what is that part. i keep thinking that i am doing it, but am i? if i was, surely i would have seen some more results by now. is it fear? fear of failure? of course it is. i am afraid. i am afraid that i will make a fool of myself. i am afraid that the dream i have been dreaming is someone else's and should never have been mine, but how can that be the case when i feel it so deeply in my bones. how can it be that i am not meant to do what i love to do? i don't thing that is it. i am definitely afraid. afraid that it is too late. that is what it is. i keep thinking of ways that i can just get around it, but i can't. i have to face this head on and i have to hand it all over to God. i can't keep thinking that i can do it on my own. i never have and i never will. even if i have a man in flesh loving me and supporting me in a way that my family can't do because they can't give me that feeling i can get from someone i am in love with, i still need Him. i will always need Him. the mistake that i have made is that i haven't believed enough in His plan for me. His wonderful, awesome plan. something's got to give and that something is me. i have to give it to Him. surrender my heart. surrender my life and be a vehicle for Him. but can i do that on my own? my experience won't let me trust a church. i can't go into someone's building and let them tell me that i have been living my life wrong when i don't trust them to live theirs correctly. i have to pray...that's all i can do for now.

It's been a long time...

ok, so i haven't posted in a while, but not that many people read, so i know that no one is on the edge of their seats waiting for me to drop some inciteful piece of information. but this is what i have...

nothing new has really happened, so i will just give a few updates. i got waxed again today. i will never get over that pain. i got this numbing spray that is supposed to make it hurt a little less. now, i may have put it on too soon, but that shit did not work!!!!!! it hurt just as much as normal. it is not easy being a woman.

i went to the ATM today because i am going on vacation tomorrow and i wanted to get some cash. DON'T YOU KNOW THE MACHINE TOOK MY CARD!!!!! ok, i will admit, it is kind of my fault, but to be fair, who reads the screen before they put their card in all the time. i never do. it so happens that the machine was out of order and the card thingee was not even working, so it wouldn't even spit out my card. i am very fortunate in that it was one of my banks ATM's and i will just have to go to the branch first thing in the morning and have them take it out for me. so, i plan on being there bright and early so that i can get my card back and not have to worry over vacation. i will be late to work to do it, but i don't care. i have to get my card.

what else is there? nothing really. excited about getting a week off. that will be heaven. i need a break from work sometimes. i am excited to go back to school and get my MBA. I am getting it in Media Management and as part of my application to school i have to write a business proposal. so, i think i will try to start a production company. i would LOVE that. i could fund projects that mean something to me and that are important. i could do fun stuff too. isn't that how life should be? shouldn't we be working towards our own happiness daily? it should be expected of each and every individual to live their life to the fullest and that should include working towards your happiness.

ok, i think that is it for now. i will post again soon.

OMG!!!!!!!

so, i had an audition yesterday. how did it go? not well. i was there, waited to be seen only to stand in front of a camera and be told that i don't look like i resemble the women they are portraying, so they won't be having me read for a part. WHAT?! i sent you mother fuckers my picture. you couldn't look at the shit and tell me that? why even call me in for an appointment if i don't look like the mother fuckers? what a waste of time. so, i meet up with some friends in central park and on my way to see them i run into my crush...*eyelashes batting* he is such a cutie. we talk for a minute or so and we go on our merry ways. so, we (i was with another great buddy of mine) continue on and we meet the other friends that we are there to meet. a friend i knew in college and his girlfriend. we go out to dinner and i find out that my biggest crush actually lives in the same city as i do now!!!!!!! i freaked out!!!! oh, but wait, he's married now!!!!! happily? i hope so and i hope not. you see, i know his wife and she does NOT deserve him. he is way too good of a guy. everyone that knows him knows this, so i hope for his happiness one one hand, but on the other hand, if he was not happy, that opens the door for me. i'm not a home wrecker and i would never try to break a marriage up, but i sure would step in if he wanted to leave it!!!!!! so anyway, i will probably never have the chance to see him again. i'm ok with that, i think. i'm not, if i'm being honest. he is the one that got away...at least in my eyes. i know that we could be happy and at one time he knew it too...he was afraid of that. we were young too. we never even had a relationship, but when he was gone, it felt like i was missing something. is that weird? it's like feeling pain in your arm when you are paralyzed. it's not there, it can't be, but you feel it. i don't know what the future holds, but i sure hope it holds a love for me that i wanted to have with AB.

Tender Roni...

...that was the song that was out when my best friend from middle school and i were are our strongest. after 8th grade, we kind of grew apart and we started hanging out with different people. after 9th grade, i moved to a different state and we lost touch all together. in the past 15 years, i have thought often about where she is. what she has been up to. i have thought about what our friendship would be like if we were still in touch. on 6/15 i came home and listened to my answering machine. i hear a message saying, "hi. i'm looking for *** that used to live in the Acreage (that's what they called it where i lived). this is ***. we were friends in middle school. you had an older sister names *** and a younger sister named ***. if this is you, please give me a call." i couldn't believe it. a childhood friend. i don't have ANY. no lie...NONE. we moved around a lot when we were growing up and i never kept friends because we moved on. the only thing i have ever been jealous of with any of my friends is that they have childhood friends. NOW I HAVE ONE!!!!!!! we have been trying to catch up this whole day. she got a few things fixed that she didn't like on herself and i've done some changing too. i am just so happy to have found her in my life again. BFF really does mean Best Friends Forever, huh?

Call me Carrie, please...

it is friday afternoon at 3:45 p.m. rewind 21 hours and you get to downtown manhattan in a little place called mannahatta. we walk in and the place is packed. you hear me? packed. but we will not be discouraged. a good time will be had tonight. it is girls night, so don't get it twisted. we walk to the bar and can't fit in there and my girl says, "there is a downstairs and i think there is a bar down there too." so we make the trek through the wannabe models and men looking like they are at the butcher looking for the best cut of rump to roast that evening. get to the stairs and head down. it was a hot day, so the coolness that welcomed us was divine. we get down there and it is EMPTY!!!! we were the first to discover the hidden treasure trove. we go to a bar, get a drink right away and proceed to find a place to set up shop. there are chairs all over the place, but being the divas we are, we decided to take the spot in the corner that is sectioned off. very VIP and VERY sex in the city. we take over. the night is ours to own and we own it. they are playing 80's music, but that is ok because we are children of the 80's. we are singing along and adding our own little touches. all the while, we are sipping, sipping, sipping. people are now hip to the downstairs and it starts to fill up. there are only 5 of us and we are expecting only 1 more, but the area we are in seats at least 10 comfortably. well, some chickenheads came down too late and ours is the only area empty enough to seat people...sorry, this area is reserved and we are waiting for more to show. say word!!!!! i told you, we are VIP!!!!!! our friend comes and we are still drinking. this time we have found some cuties to help fill in the gaps in our alcove. music becomes current and a good time was definitely had by all. they started to pay reggae, but the slow kind you can't dance to and it was emptying the joint, so we decide to call it a night. it is only 10 something at this point, so 4 of us decided to hit one more spot. we go there and proceed to tear up the dance floor. take a break to indulge our single vice (which will not be revealed here) and continue to dance, dance, dance.

i love being a girl!!!!!!!

Where my girls at?!

what would i do without my friends? i don't have any idea. i have some friends that have been there for me through so many tough times. the best times are the good times. going to the club tomorrow evening and i can't wait. i asked this guy that i have been soooo crushing on to go. i don't know if he will, but i asked. boy, was i nervous. if he doesn't, oh well, i will still have a good time. my anger has dissipated and i feel good...i can't wait for tomorrow!!!!!!!!

Ohm.....

so, it is really hard being a woman sometimes. i have an appt. on wednesday to get waxed. i hate doing that because it hurts, but i love doing it because i feel sexy. it is one of the most awkward things you can do. at least when you go to the gyno's office, she (or he) is a professional. they are trained to look at that part of the body and be ok with it. when you get waxed, it feels different. although, an aesthetician is trained and professional also, it feels way weirder. i went to the mall last weekend because i wanted to get some spray that they have that you can use and it will numb the area. well, i couldn't find it. so now i have to endure the pain. it wouldn't be so bad if i hadn't waited so long. i regularly need to go about once a month, but it has now been about a month and a half. i'm really gonna pay for this one. i shouldn't have waited so long. you know what is even more awkward? the positions you have to be in. you know they even take the hair out of your ass? yes...they do. i have to lay on my back with my legs up and i have hold my ass open. awkward? just a little!!!!!! i also get my underarms waxed. that is a WEIRD experience. i am REALLY ticklish. so, when they are applying the wax, i can't wait for them to rip it off because it tickles. when they rip it off, i can't wait for them to stop because it hurts. just when you think it is over also, they pluck the stray hairs that they couldn't get with the wax. i seriously have to do some serious meditating when i am there to help with the pain. it is kind of like getting a tattoo. you know it hurts and you are inflicting on yourself willingly, but you have to manage the pain somehow. i just breathe deeply. almost like doing yoga. i almost feel like saying namaste when they are done. (i think i spelled that right) anyway, this time, i decided to treat myself to something nice. i am getting a pedicure also. i haven't had a professional one in a couple of years also. i got a plantar wart from getting pedicures at places that weren't so sanitary, so after that healed i was really scared to go get pedicures. well, i did my research this time. they use only metal objects and you get your own...brand new!!!!! so, i patiently wait for wednesday's arrival...ohm...then thursday...IT'S GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!!!!

And so it begins...

the process of forgiveness. forgiveness for something that no one ever apologized for. forgiveness in a place where it is appropriate to loathe. that's a good word. i couldn't find a word to describe what i felt before. loathe is a good one. i used to write poetry and it used to really help me. i'm going to give it a try. you are my audience. you are my guinea pigs. you who stop here and read are the first to experience my attempt at written expression. here goes...

seems like i just can't forget
and it feels like i will never forgive
i have to get this off my chest
because this is certainly no way to live

my thoughts of you are filled with hate
the feelings i have are pure disgust
no matter what you say from here on out
you will never win back all of my trust

my heart was yours, you had the key
you broke down all the walls
and now you walk away without a second thought
you won't even take my calls

what do i do now, i can only pray
you've ruined it for the rest
i have to rebuild and take it day by day
next time, i won't settle for second best

So?

so, i've been reading and i realize that there are people out there that have experienced the same shit that i am experiencing right now. i read some posts and i wonder how people can express themselves so well. my talent doesn't lie in my expression through words. i am an actor, so my talent lies in expressing myself through my voice and through a performance.

i loved him. i still do, but there's a thin line between love and hate. i can't forgive him. he hurt me. he used me and he threw me away. i did everything i could for him. all i ever wanted was his happiness. now all i want is to see him hurt. i have this thing inside of me that i can't control. my anger. i can't deal with it. i have NEVER been this angry at anyone before and i don't know how to deal with it. i read his blogger diary and i wonder if i ever knew him at all. there are all these people that read his words and think that he is so inciteful and so expressive, but he has a lot of people fooled. it's all a lie. he portrays himself as one thing when he really is another and i hate it. it makes me angry. i don't want to feel this anger anymore. it is consuming me. i want to have the upper hand for once. i don't want to be the weaker one anymore. sometimes i feel like the world is closing in on me. like everything is pushing and pushing until i implode. i can't move, i can't think. i'm trapped. i'm trapped in my anger and it won't let me go. i just want to reach out and strike. i don't know what to do...