Potpurri

ok, it's been a little while, but i have to get some things out of my head. where do i begin?

friends. how many do i have? hmmmm, i have always known that i am the kind of person that has more acquaintances than friends. i think the sad thing that i have come to realize is that some of the people that i used to consider to be friends have actually been much less so. i have never been the kind of person that has been needy. i don't need reassurance from the people in my life that they care for me, but what i do want, and what i think is fair is to request that they at least act interested in my life and in me and what i am doing. i have blogged about this before. about my friends who have not bothered to come visit me. well, i'm going to make a long story short. there was a group email going around and some of my "friends" were on the list. well, i replied to a series of emails and was just straight and honest, as i tend to be, and one of the people on the list had the nerve to tell me that i was turning into a bitch. it is funny. she is one that i haven't talked to in a couple of years. she is one that i stopped calling a friend a long time ago because i don't trust her. i have changed. i have grown up. i don't tolerate the same shit i used to and she is one of the people that i cut out on purpose. so i wrote her back and told her so. she did write back. and that is what she always does. so, someone calls you a bitch and you write back to defend yourself, but they don't write you back. funny, huh? i am so done.

what else is on my mind? so much, i am almost confused and i don't know what to think about next. i have so many thoughts swimming around. i am going to a knitting circle on saturday. i don't knit and i don't crochet. i have and i know the basics, but i don't do it well. i am going because i know that i am going to enjoy myself and i know that i need the relaxation. i am looking forward to it like you won't believe!!!!!

i want to write about my life. in chronological order. the beginning is blurry because i was young, but i want to talk about it. before i do so, i have to say that i am a person who is very weary of religion. i am a spiritual person and i know what God has done in my life, but i am very hesitant to join a church. in the end, you will know why.

i was born october 21, 1976. i was born in queens and my mother eventually bought a house in long island (uniondale) and we moved there. my father left my mother soon after i was born. i have struggled with that for a long time. i always feel like he left because of me. i wasn't the most beautiful baby in the world. let my mother tell it though, i was the most beautiful she had ever seen. my older sister was the cutest, but i digress. i feel like he left because it was too much pressure for him. even though he helped make me, i think i was too much. i remember kindegarten. my teacher was ms. turner. that was in uniondale. at 5 years old, i remember being in north carolina in 1st grade. my teacher was ms. dixon and we had class in a trailer. you know the kind they put on school yards that don't have enough room in the building. it was annunciation. that was the name of the school. it was a catholic private school. my cousins lived in NC also, and my older one was very mean to me. she punched me in the stomach when we were on the playground one day and she also tried to push me in front of a swing while someone was on it. we are friends now, but back then we didn't get along too well. 2nd grade was still in NC, but a different school. my teacher was ms. strayhorn. she hated me. i know she did. she was soooo mean to me. 3rd grade, i started school late at military trails elementary school in FL. i didn't stay there though. i changed schools in the middle of the year and went to king's academy. a non-denominational private school that my mother had to work extra hard to pay for my sister and i. my teacher was mrs. osborne. she was so nice to me, but i got caught lying once and was sent to the counelors office and got swatted. my mother never even hit us at home. i was at king's academy until 6th grade and then we moved to public school. that was a hard tranisition for me. i am the kind of person that fits in anywhere because i know how to adapt. i know how to change and grow and mold myself to my surroundings, so i never had trouble making friends. i tried out for cheerleading in 7th grade and i was hooked. i was very good at it. after 9th grade, i wanted to audition for the performing arts school that was opening in my area, but i couldn't. we moved to indiana. my mom got caught up in this...i don't know what to call it, so i will say cult. it is called the way international. she got involved when i was in 4th or 5th grade and when i was going to 10th grade she decided to join what was called the way corps. their idea was to train people in religion in much the same way the military is trained. they made my mother quit her job and move to a "campus" where our every move was watched. she didn't even have the liberty to discipline us the way she felt necessary. if it wasn't their way, they kicked you out. that couldn't happen to us. we had no where to go. we were there until i graduated from high school. i went to college in indiana and i left as soon as i could get out. i moved back to NY when i was 24. i had nothing. my first apartment had nothing but an air mattress and a tv for about 6 months when i could afford to buy bedroom furniture. a few months after that, my boss gave me some furniture that she had in storage and wasn't using. then i saved money and i bought brand new furniture. now i have a fully furnished apartment in a much better area and i am doing really well for myself. i have left a lot out. there is so much more to tell. my bad relationships and what happned in them. actually, there was only one bad one. i think i will save that for another blog. that was a real abbreviated version. thanks for listening.