crossing my legs
leaning over to tie my shoes and not feeling my stomach on my legs
wearing a fitted shirt and not seeing bulges on my back
wearing a fitted shirt and not feeling like i have to arrange it all the time
wearing tight pants with a shirt that doesn't have to cover my but
crossing my legs
skinny jeans
knee high boots
high heels
spaghetti straps
tank tops in the summer
bikini in the summer
regular jeans
pants that will last longer because the inner thigh doesn't get worn out
running outside
running up the stairs
collar bones
shopping at regular stores
sitting comfortably on the airplane
not having to extend the seat belt on the plane
pencil skirts
pencil pants

These are all things that i can't wait to do or see when my body's journey has reached it's end.  i say my body's journey because my journey to be healthy will never end - even when i am finally in single digit sizes.  you get to see my journey...you will see my progress and you will see my results.  i haven't decided when i am going to add photos yet because that is going to be a step that will require me to dig deep and use every bit of courage in me!  in the meantime...





what are all these numbers?  they are my numbers - my measurements, my weight, my BMI.  they all mean something, but what is that something?  that something is that i didn't stay on plan.  i didn't fight as hard as i should have.  i didn't pay attention to what i was ingesting.  i didn't stay as active as i should have.  i was lazy.  i didn't care enough.  i didn't flip the switch.  i didn't DECIDE to put myself and my health first.  as important as these numbers are, they are not important enough for me to stress over.  why?  because they won't be here for long.  they have a short shelf life and there is really only one number that matters - 1!  1 because that is how many lives i have to live!  1 because i am the only one that can make the decision!  1 because i am in competition with myself! 1 because that is how many people that are on my team!  i am RELEASING my inner fat girl so that i can finally let go of my outer fat girl!  i have to rearrange my thoughts and i have to align them with my goals.  i have to FLIP THE SWITCH and MAKE THE DECISION!


Back in the Saddle Again...

today was a successful day!  i started with the same cereal i had yesterday, but this time i ate it dry...kind of like a snack...it worked ok though.  i didn't get the calories from fat that i had from the 2 servings of milk i had yesterday.  i was able to actually taste the cereal, without the sweetness from the milk...it is pretty good!  i recommend kashi island vanilla shredded wheat to anyone that like sweetness in a cereal, but wants to be healthy.  this cereal is totally organic and there were NO extra ingredients that you have no idea of their origin!  for lunch, i had a great time with my sister, who i have a strained, at best, relationship with.  today was good, though.  i guess we can take it one day at a time...that is the best thing to do.  we ate some chicken and penne pasta with veggies and marinara sauce.  i sprinkled a bit of parm cheese on it and had 2 slices of provolone cheese on the side.  we also had some chicken and veggie gyoza (that's a steamed dumpling, japanese style).  those are very healthy and very good. 

i went to the gym again today and my legs are very tired.  i can tell that they are going to be sore tomorrow.  they are a bit shaky when i stand up.  yesterday i worked my abs and they were sore today.  i am a bit tired today, folks, well, no one has come to visit yet, but when they do they will appreciate my updates!  i am tired, so i am going to head out!  nite nite...


Food, Food, Food

i am determined to make this work, i really am.  yesterday started out really well for me.  for breakfast, i had a muscle milk in vanilla.  that is a good flavor and a good meal replacement, however, i have a sweet taste in my mouth for hours after i drink it and i don't enjoy that so much.  lunch came around and this is what i had:  some broccoli salad, a chicken wing (fried) and some curry rice and chicken.  not really a good choice, but still not fast food, so i am making strides.  for dinner, i had a half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat bread.  not bad, i suppose.  i didn't work out yesterday, but i sure did on monday and it worked hard!  today, i had kashi island vanilla shredded wheat, mixed with banana nut granola cereal and horizons organic vanilla milk.  that sounds really sugary, i know, but it wasn't.  for lunch i had some neckbones and 1 medium potato.  that was a bad choice all around because the neckbones are full of fat and the potato was just starch!  for dinner, nothing...i worked out tonight and still don't have an appetite.  now that it is 10 p.m. i won't be eating even if i do get an appetite.  i had a great workout and i am looking forward to tomorrow's.  

i suppose this doesn't have to just be a diet blog...i am a bit disconcerted tonight.  my boyfriend is in a bad mood, again...he usually is when he gets off work and there doesn't seem to ever be anything i can do to help him.  he never wants to talk, goes straight to his room and doesn't really have anything to say.  i am not that type of person.  i am a talker and i don't like to be around people and not have anything to say.  he has a few things he is dealing with, i know, and i can empathize with that.  i just remember the days that i was able to cheer him up and no matter how much i try now, i can't do it.  i've tried to find out what the source to that is, but i don't get an answer.  it is always nothing or don't take it personally because it's not about me.  after a while, a girl starts to take it personally when her boyfriend can't even smile when he looks at her...


No more roller coasters...

So, I went to the doctor today because  a friend of mine told me that she has been on Adipex and she lost 60 pounds while on it.  Well, the first call I made was to my doctor to see if there was a chance that I could try that.  That brings me to my appointment today.  In parenthesis I will tell you what my inner monologue sounded like...The first thing she tells me is that she wants me to have a few tests first (so much for fitting into those jeans by my birthday).  We proceeded to talk about dietitians and nutrition and all that good stuff.  Well, here's the problem, and this is what I expressed to her...I know what I should and should not be eating.  I know about exercising and I know that it is not just a numbers game.  It is a chemical game also and I know what my body responds to.  My problem is that I don't listen to my body because my brain, my dear, sweet, sugar loving brain screams for it!  It's almost as if I can't silence the voice if I don't feed it. So, I feed it!  I do well, for a while, and then I fall.  So, she says that while Adipex is a perfectly good solution, it is not necessarily the solution for me.  An appetite suppressant, once it wears off for the day, will not keep the sugar cravings away.  That is ALL ME, my friend.  Well, here's the thing, I want to try the Adipex anyway because I want the push that it will give me.  I want that extra edge that it will provide.  She says ok, but before I do all that, I want to see tests and I want to see food and exercise journals (no problem) and I want to see the accountability factor (huh?).  I want to see how you are holding yourself accountable and how you are going to ensure that this is not a quick fix.  Well, it is a good thing that you bring that up, Dr. A, because I have been thinking of starting a weight loss blog.  Whoa!  She said my generation is into that stuff, that web stuff - not in those words but that's what she meant.  So, here I am...I already had a blog and I haven't used it in about 2 years and I think this is a nice way to bring it out of retirement.  So, do you need inspiration? Here it is...I need to inspire to be inspired and I need YOU to hold me accountable...I will tell you when I fall and I will tell you when I have succeeded.  I am on the road the health and happiness.  I have to do it for myself and the children that I will HOPEFULLY have in the very near future, because I think my time is running out!  This is a life long journey that I am embarking on and I plan to enjoy the ride...hop on!


MBA madness

i am in school again. yes, i am getting my mba. sometimes, i feel like i'm out of place. like someone stuck me in the middle of a room, in the middle of a building that is 57 floors tall and told me that i have to find my way to the outside. the elevator buttons are in random order and there are no numbers on the floors, so i never know where i am. we have to do group projects and i love my group. i truly love my group. we try to encourage each other to think outside the box. i don't think that i am dumb, but i don't think of myself as being so extra smart. i think this is why i feel so out of place. i feel like i am forcing myself to think in ways that i have never had to think before. this is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but i feel like i have to work so hard to get by. i go to bed late every night, i read so much that i feel like my eyes are going to fall out. i read all the material that is assigned to me, but yet i still feel unprepared! how does that happen? if someone can tell me, i would really like to know. someone says the word project and i have an inner freak out that no one ever knows about because i don't want anyone to think i can't handle it. the truth is, i can handle it just fine, but i am deathly afraid that i won't be good at it. i am truly afraid that i will say something and that it will be the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever said, so when my professors ask questions, i never put it in my own words. i always read what i read from the book. and most of the time, here's the kicker, most of the time i am thinking in my own words exactly what the professor wants to hear. sometimes, i interpret what i read differently, or i just plain don't understand it, but i know what i am reading a lot of the time. i am just afraid that i don't. most of the time, i am thinking, "geez, i can't wait until this is over. i feel like i am going to be put on the spot at any time and the ruse will be over!" i'll be found out! "look, there's that dumb girl who wears the smart hat. she doesn't know what we are talking about."

then sometimes, i just think, "i've got them all fooled. they don't really know what i am capable of." the sad part is, sometimes i surprise myself.


it's been a long time...

well, i'm back. it's been about a year and a half or so and i can honestly say that i have actually missed it. i actually was prompted to come back because i have to start a blog for school. i know that you are going to be here sometime, so hi todd!!!!! i really have quite a bit of homework to finish before i retire for the night, so i am going to keep this one short, but i will say, HELLO AGAIN BLOG, I HAVE RETURNED TO CURE THE LONLINESS!!!!!!! for all the bloggers out there that may fall upon this blog, hello, thanks for stopping by and happy blogging!