It's been a long time...

ok, so i haven't posted in a while, but not that many people read, so i know that no one is on the edge of their seats waiting for me to drop some inciteful piece of information. but this is what i have...

nothing new has really happened, so i will just give a few updates. i got waxed again today. i will never get over that pain. i got this numbing spray that is supposed to make it hurt a little less. now, i may have put it on too soon, but that shit did not work!!!!!! it hurt just as much as normal. it is not easy being a woman.

i went to the ATM today because i am going on vacation tomorrow and i wanted to get some cash. DON'T YOU KNOW THE MACHINE TOOK MY CARD!!!!! ok, i will admit, it is kind of my fault, but to be fair, who reads the screen before they put their card in all the time. i never do. it so happens that the machine was out of order and the card thingee was not even working, so it wouldn't even spit out my card. i am very fortunate in that it was one of my banks ATM's and i will just have to go to the branch first thing in the morning and have them take it out for me. so, i plan on being there bright and early so that i can get my card back and not have to worry over vacation. i will be late to work to do it, but i don't care. i have to get my card.

what else is there? nothing really. excited about getting a week off. that will be heaven. i need a break from work sometimes. i am excited to go back to school and get my MBA. I am getting it in Media Management and as part of my application to school i have to write a business proposal. so, i think i will try to start a production company. i would LOVE that. i could fund projects that mean something to me and that are important. i could do fun stuff too. isn't that how life should be? shouldn't we be working towards our own happiness daily? it should be expected of each and every individual to live their life to the fullest and that should include working towards your happiness.

ok, i think that is it for now. i will post again soon.

OMG!!!!!!!

so, i had an audition yesterday. how did it go? not well. i was there, waited to be seen only to stand in front of a camera and be told that i don't look like i resemble the women they are portraying, so they won't be having me read for a part. WHAT?! i sent you mother fuckers my picture. you couldn't look at the shit and tell me that? why even call me in for an appointment if i don't look like the mother fuckers? what a waste of time. so, i meet up with some friends in central park and on my way to see them i run into my crush...*eyelashes batting* he is such a cutie. we talk for a minute or so and we go on our merry ways. so, we (i was with another great buddy of mine) continue on and we meet the other friends that we are there to meet. a friend i knew in college and his girlfriend. we go out to dinner and i find out that my biggest crush actually lives in the same city as i do now!!!!!!! i freaked out!!!! oh, but wait, he's married now!!!!! happily? i hope so and i hope not. you see, i know his wife and she does NOT deserve him. he is way too good of a guy. everyone that knows him knows this, so i hope for his happiness one one hand, but on the other hand, if he was not happy, that opens the door for me. i'm not a home wrecker and i would never try to break a marriage up, but i sure would step in if he wanted to leave it!!!!!! so anyway, i will probably never have the chance to see him again. i'm ok with that, i think. i'm not, if i'm being honest. he is the one that got away...at least in my eyes. i know that we could be happy and at one time he knew it too...he was afraid of that. we were young too. we never even had a relationship, but when he was gone, it felt like i was missing something. is that weird? it's like feeling pain in your arm when you are paralyzed. it's not there, it can't be, but you feel it. i don't know what the future holds, but i sure hope it holds a love for me that i wanted to have with AB.

Tender Roni...

...that was the song that was out when my best friend from middle school and i were are our strongest. after 8th grade, we kind of grew apart and we started hanging out with different people. after 9th grade, i moved to a different state and we lost touch all together. in the past 15 years, i have thought often about where she is. what she has been up to. i have thought about what our friendship would be like if we were still in touch. on 6/15 i came home and listened to my answering machine. i hear a message saying, "hi. i'm looking for *** that used to live in the Acreage (that's what they called it where i lived). this is ***. we were friends in middle school. you had an older sister names *** and a younger sister named ***. if this is you, please give me a call." i couldn't believe it. a childhood friend. i don't have ANY. no lie...NONE. we moved around a lot when we were growing up and i never kept friends because we moved on. the only thing i have ever been jealous of with any of my friends is that they have childhood friends. NOW I HAVE ONE!!!!!!! we have been trying to catch up this whole day. she got a few things fixed that she didn't like on herself and i've done some changing too. i am just so happy to have found her in my life again. BFF really does mean Best Friends Forever, huh?

Call me Carrie, please...

it is friday afternoon at 3:45 p.m. rewind 21 hours and you get to downtown manhattan in a little place called mannahatta. we walk in and the place is packed. you hear me? packed. but we will not be discouraged. a good time will be had tonight. it is girls night, so don't get it twisted. we walk to the bar and can't fit in there and my girl says, "there is a downstairs and i think there is a bar down there too." so we make the trek through the wannabe models and men looking like they are at the butcher looking for the best cut of rump to roast that evening. get to the stairs and head down. it was a hot day, so the coolness that welcomed us was divine. we get down there and it is EMPTY!!!! we were the first to discover the hidden treasure trove. we go to a bar, get a drink right away and proceed to find a place to set up shop. there are chairs all over the place, but being the divas we are, we decided to take the spot in the corner that is sectioned off. very VIP and VERY sex in the city. we take over. the night is ours to own and we own it. they are playing 80's music, but that is ok because we are children of the 80's. we are singing along and adding our own little touches. all the while, we are sipping, sipping, sipping. people are now hip to the downstairs and it starts to fill up. there are only 5 of us and we are expecting only 1 more, but the area we are in seats at least 10 comfortably. well, some chickenheads came down too late and ours is the only area empty enough to seat people...sorry, this area is reserved and we are waiting for more to show. say word!!!!! i told you, we are VIP!!!!!! our friend comes and we are still drinking. this time we have found some cuties to help fill in the gaps in our alcove. music becomes current and a good time was definitely had by all. they started to pay reggae, but the slow kind you can't dance to and it was emptying the joint, so we decide to call it a night. it is only 10 something at this point, so 4 of us decided to hit one more spot. we go there and proceed to tear up the dance floor. take a break to indulge our single vice (which will not be revealed here) and continue to dance, dance, dance.

i love being a girl!!!!!!!

Where my girls at?!

what would i do without my friends? i don't have any idea. i have some friends that have been there for me through so many tough times. the best times are the good times. going to the club tomorrow evening and i can't wait. i asked this guy that i have been soooo crushing on to go. i don't know if he will, but i asked. boy, was i nervous. if he doesn't, oh well, i will still have a good time. my anger has dissipated and i feel good...i can't wait for tomorrow!!!!!!!!

Ohm.....

so, it is really hard being a woman sometimes. i have an appt. on wednesday to get waxed. i hate doing that because it hurts, but i love doing it because i feel sexy. it is one of the most awkward things you can do. at least when you go to the gyno's office, she (or he) is a professional. they are trained to look at that part of the body and be ok with it. when you get waxed, it feels different. although, an aesthetician is trained and professional also, it feels way weirder. i went to the mall last weekend because i wanted to get some spray that they have that you can use and it will numb the area. well, i couldn't find it. so now i have to endure the pain. it wouldn't be so bad if i hadn't waited so long. i regularly need to go about once a month, but it has now been about a month and a half. i'm really gonna pay for this one. i shouldn't have waited so long. you know what is even more awkward? the positions you have to be in. you know they even take the hair out of your ass? yes...they do. i have to lay on my back with my legs up and i have hold my ass open. awkward? just a little!!!!!! i also get my underarms waxed. that is a WEIRD experience. i am REALLY ticklish. so, when they are applying the wax, i can't wait for them to rip it off because it tickles. when they rip it off, i can't wait for them to stop because it hurts. just when you think it is over also, they pluck the stray hairs that they couldn't get with the wax. i seriously have to do some serious meditating when i am there to help with the pain. it is kind of like getting a tattoo. you know it hurts and you are inflicting on yourself willingly, but you have to manage the pain somehow. i just breathe deeply. almost like doing yoga. i almost feel like saying namaste when they are done. (i think i spelled that right) anyway, this time, i decided to treat myself to something nice. i am getting a pedicure also. i haven't had a professional one in a couple of years also. i got a plantar wart from getting pedicures at places that weren't so sanitary, so after that healed i was really scared to go get pedicures. well, i did my research this time. they use only metal objects and you get your own...brand new!!!!! so, i patiently wait for wednesday's arrival...ohm...then thursday...IT'S GIRLS NIGHT OUT!!!!!

And so it begins...

the process of forgiveness. forgiveness for something that no one ever apologized for. forgiveness in a place where it is appropriate to loathe. that's a good word. i couldn't find a word to describe what i felt before. loathe is a good one. i used to write poetry and it used to really help me. i'm going to give it a try. you are my audience. you are my guinea pigs. you who stop here and read are the first to experience my attempt at written expression. here goes...

seems like i just can't forget
and it feels like i will never forgive
i have to get this off my chest
because this is certainly no way to live

my thoughts of you are filled with hate
the feelings i have are pure disgust
no matter what you say from here on out
you will never win back all of my trust

my heart was yours, you had the key
you broke down all the walls
and now you walk away without a second thought
you won't even take my calls

what do i do now, i can only pray
you've ruined it for the rest
i have to rebuild and take it day by day
next time, i won't settle for second best

So?

so, i've been reading and i realize that there are people out there that have experienced the same shit that i am experiencing right now. i read some posts and i wonder how people can express themselves so well. my talent doesn't lie in my expression through words. i am an actor, so my talent lies in expressing myself through my voice and through a performance.

i loved him. i still do, but there's a thin line between love and hate. i can't forgive him. he hurt me. he used me and he threw me away. i did everything i could for him. all i ever wanted was his happiness. now all i want is to see him hurt. i have this thing inside of me that i can't control. my anger. i can't deal with it. i have NEVER been this angry at anyone before and i don't know how to deal with it. i read his blogger diary and i wonder if i ever knew him at all. there are all these people that read his words and think that he is so inciteful and so expressive, but he has a lot of people fooled. it's all a lie. he portrays himself as one thing when he really is another and i hate it. it makes me angry. i don't want to feel this anger anymore. it is consuming me. i want to have the upper hand for once. i don't want to be the weaker one anymore. sometimes i feel like the world is closing in on me. like everything is pushing and pushing until i implode. i can't move, i can't think. i'm trapped. i'm trapped in my anger and it won't let me go. i just want to reach out and strike. i don't know what to do...