i am in school again. yes, i am getting my mba. sometimes, i feel like i'm out of place. like someone stuck me in the middle of a room, in the middle of a building that is 57 floors tall and told me that i have to find my way to the outside. the elevator buttons are in random order and there are no numbers on the floors, so i never know where i am. we have to do group projects and i love my group. i truly love my group. we try to encourage each other to think outside the box. i don't think that i am dumb, but i don't think of myself as being so extra smart. i think this is why i feel so out of place. i feel like i am forcing myself to think in ways that i have never had to think before. this is a good thing, don't get me wrong, but i feel like i have to work so hard to get by. i go to bed late every night, i read so much that i feel like my eyes are going to fall out. i read all the material that is assigned to me, but yet i still feel unprepared! how does that happen? if someone can tell me, i would really like to know. someone says the word project and i have an inner freak out that no one ever knows about because i don't want anyone to think i can't handle it. the truth is, i can handle it just fine, but i am deathly afraid that i won't be good at it. i am truly afraid that i will say something and that it will be the most ridiculous thing anyone has ever said, so when my professors ask questions, i never put it in my own words. i always read what i read from the book. and most of the time, here's the kicker, most of the time i am thinking in my own words exactly what the professor wants to hear. sometimes, i interpret what i read differently, or i just plain don't understand it, but i know what i am reading a lot of the time. i am just afraid that i don't. most of the time, i am thinking, "geez, i can't wait until this is over. i feel like i am going to be put on the spot at any time and the ruse will be over!" i'll be found out! "look, there's that dumb girl who wears the smart hat. she doesn't know what we are talking about."
then sometimes, i just think, "i've got them all fooled. they don't really know what i am capable of." the sad part is, sometimes i surprise myself.
