Untitled

i didn't realize it had been so long since i have posted. i need this outlet sometimes because it is easier to release my thoughts to the open space, where i am not sure who will read it. it's ok with me though because they don't know me. they can think what they want to think and i will be ok with that.

i'm at a crossroads in my life. i think i have been here for a few years now. i have a dream that i want to fulfill, but the fact that i have to live and pay my bills prevents me from doing so. i decided to go back to school because i can't do what i am doing forever. don't get me wrong. although i can think of many other things that i would love to do, the people i work with are nice (except for the occasional dud here and there, but that's everywhere), my bosses are extra cool (except when they make me stay late, but that's everywhere too), and it is a really tight environment. when i say tight, i mean everyone takes care of each other. my bosses take care of us and they stand up for us when they need to. there are not a lot of places that i would not be able to find the kind of working environment that i have, but my days are filled with wondering what will happen to me. i have a friend that just got engaged and it reminded me of how really alone i am. sure, i am surrounded by friends, but i want more than friends. there is no one there to pick me up when i feel like i just can't do it anymore. there is no one there to tell me that no matter what, what is meant to happen is going to be the best for me, but is that what my problem is? am i looking too much for someone to tell me all of this and not believing enough in the power of my Heavenly Father? have i really come to a point where i have forgotten that my life is His and that He has a plan for me and that i needn't worry. i have to do my part, but what is that part. i keep thinking that i am doing it, but am i? if i was, surely i would have seen some more results by now. is it fear? fear of failure? of course it is. i am afraid. i am afraid that i will make a fool of myself. i am afraid that the dream i have been dreaming is someone else's and should never have been mine, but how can that be the case when i feel it so deeply in my bones. how can it be that i am not meant to do what i love to do? i don't thing that is it. i am definitely afraid. afraid that it is too late. that is what it is. i keep thinking of ways that i can just get around it, but i can't. i have to face this head on and i have to hand it all over to God. i can't keep thinking that i can do it on my own. i never have and i never will. even if i have a man in flesh loving me and supporting me in a way that my family can't do because they can't give me that feeling i can get from someone i am in love with, i still need Him. i will always need Him. the mistake that i have made is that i haven't believed enough in His plan for me. His wonderful, awesome plan. something's got to give and that something is me. i have to give it to Him. surrender my heart. surrender my life and be a vehicle for Him. but can i do that on my own? my experience won't let me trust a church. i can't go into someone's building and let them tell me that i have been living my life wrong when i don't trust them to live theirs correctly. i have to pray...that's all i can do for now.