so, i've been reading and i realize that there are people out there that have experienced the same shit that i am experiencing right now. i read some posts and i wonder how people can express themselves so well. my talent doesn't lie in my expression through words. i am an actor, so my talent lies in expressing myself through my voice and through a performance.
i loved him. i still do, but there's a thin line between love and hate. i can't forgive him. he hurt me. he used me and he threw me away. i did everything i could for him. all i ever wanted was his happiness. now all i want is to see him hurt. i have this thing inside of me that i can't control. my anger. i can't deal with it. i have NEVER been this angry at anyone before and i don't know how to deal with it. i read his blogger diary and i wonder if i ever knew him at all. there are all these people that read his words and think that he is so inciteful and so expressive, but he has a lot of people fooled. it's all a lie. he portrays himself as one thing when he really is another and i hate it. it makes me angry. i don't want to feel this anger anymore. it is consuming me. i want to have the upper hand for once. i don't want to be the weaker one anymore. sometimes i feel like the world is closing in on me. like everything is pushing and pushing until i implode. i can't move, i can't think. i'm trapped. i'm trapped in my anger and it won't let me go. i just want to reach out and strike. i don't know what to do...
2 comments:
Lala... I remember feeling exactly this way about someone I loved. That anger and hurt is only going to ruin you, ultimately. I read a book that suggested that you list out on paper all the things about him that make you feel angry and hurt, and then on a separate page, list out how you plan to allow yourself to forgive him. Because if he's anything like I think, your hurting right now, doesn't mean too much in his frame of sight. But I've been there sister... I'm praying for you. Remember it's only temporary.
TD,
thank you so much for your words. it is so helpful to have people send me words of encouragement. i am going to take your suggestion and i am going to work on forgiveness. i just feel so hurt and it doesn't come easily. i pray each day for God to soften my heart and guide me and to heal me. it will come...i know...
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