20050829
I love you too?
so, i was talking to someone that i used to deal with and when we were involved he didn't love me. i loved him and i cared about him. i found out later that he was manipulative and he used me, but now he wants to say i love you. he has said it a few times and i kind of just blew it off and didn't really address it. at one point he said, "i know you don't believe me, but i do." he's right and he's wrong. see, i believe that he wants to love. i don't, on the other hand, believe that he wants to love me, nor that he loves me. well, i got sick of hearing him say it, so i said, "i love you too." wrong? very. why? i have no idea. i think i felt sorry for him and i didn't really want to hurt his feelings. as much as he hurt me, i am still too nice of a person. i can't bring myself to hurt someone on purpose. so, where are we now? nowhere, thank goodness because i have not talked to him since and i really don't want to.
20050817
Talk is cheap
ok, so i have a friend that i have written about on here before. he's the lawyer, really wants to be with me, but he's long distance and i just don't have the feelings. so, we're talking again. his birthday is coming up and i invited him to come and visit. well, he said he would not come if i didn't say straight out that i wanted to see him. ummm, hello, duh. i just invited you. this is one of the things that gets to me. if i am inviting you to come and visit, doesn't that mean that i want to see you? yes, it does (for those of you that need the clarification).
ok, i can honestly say that i understand what he was trying to do. i know that he wanted to hear me say that i wanted to see him. i understand that, but how many times do i have to tell him that i am not the kind of person that verbalizes her feelings all the time? i am not a talker. i am a shower. i believe talk is cheap and if all you can do is talk than you don't really have a lot going for you, do you?
so, i indulged him. i said, "i want to see you." i still don't know if he is coming, but at least i put a smile on his face. ;)
ok, i can honestly say that i understand what he was trying to do. i know that he wanted to hear me say that i wanted to see him. i understand that, but how many times do i have to tell him that i am not the kind of person that verbalizes her feelings all the time? i am not a talker. i am a shower. i believe talk is cheap and if all you can do is talk than you don't really have a lot going for you, do you?
so, i indulged him. i said, "i want to see you." i still don't know if he is coming, but at least i put a smile on his face. ;)
20050812
Potpurri
ok, it's been a little while, but i have to get some things out of my head. where do i begin?
friends. how many do i have? hmmmm, i have always known that i am the kind of person that has more acquaintances than friends. i think the sad thing that i have come to realize is that some of the people that i used to consider to be friends have actually been much less so. i have never been the kind of person that has been needy. i don't need reassurance from the people in my life that they care for me, but what i do want, and what i think is fair is to request that they at least act interested in my life and in me and what i am doing. i have blogged about this before. about my friends who have not bothered to come visit me. well, i'm going to make a long story short. there was a group email going around and some of my "friends" were on the list. well, i replied to a series of emails and was just straight and honest, as i tend to be, and one of the people on the list had the nerve to tell me that i was turning into a bitch. it is funny. she is one that i haven't talked to in a couple of years. she is one that i stopped calling a friend a long time ago because i don't trust her. i have changed. i have grown up. i don't tolerate the same shit i used to and she is one of the people that i cut out on purpose. so i wrote her back and told her so. she did write back. and that is what she always does. so, someone calls you a bitch and you write back to defend yourself, but they don't write you back. funny, huh? i am so done.
what else is on my mind? so much, i am almost confused and i don't know what to think about next. i have so many thoughts swimming around. i am going to a knitting circle on saturday. i don't knit and i don't crochet. i have and i know the basics, but i don't do it well. i am going because i know that i am going to enjoy myself and i know that i need the relaxation. i am looking forward to it like you won't believe!!!!!
i want to write about my life. in chronological order. the beginning is blurry because i was young, but i want to talk about it. before i do so, i have to say that i am a person who is very weary of religion. i am a spiritual person and i know what God has done in my life, but i am very hesitant to join a church. in the end, you will know why.
i was born october 21, 1976. i was born in queens and my mother eventually bought a house in long island (uniondale) and we moved there. my father left my mother soon after i was born. i have struggled with that for a long time. i always feel like he left because of me. i wasn't the most beautiful baby in the world. let my mother tell it though, i was the most beautiful she had ever seen. my older sister was the cutest, but i digress. i feel like he left because it was too much pressure for him. even though he helped make me, i think i was too much. i remember kindegarten. my teacher was ms. turner. that was in uniondale. at 5 years old, i remember being in north carolina in 1st grade. my teacher was ms. dixon and we had class in a trailer. you know the kind they put on school yards that don't have enough room in the building. it was annunciation. that was the name of the school. it was a catholic private school. my cousins lived in NC also, and my older one was very mean to me. she punched me in the stomach when we were on the playground one day and she also tried to push me in front of a swing while someone was on it. we are friends now, but back then we didn't get along too well. 2nd grade was still in NC, but a different school. my teacher was ms. strayhorn. she hated me. i know she did. she was soooo mean to me. 3rd grade, i started school late at military trails elementary school in FL. i didn't stay there though. i changed schools in the middle of the year and went to king's academy. a non-denominational private school that my mother had to work extra hard to pay for my sister and i. my teacher was mrs. osborne. she was so nice to me, but i got caught lying once and was sent to the counelors office and got swatted. my mother never even hit us at home. i was at king's academy until 6th grade and then we moved to public school. that was a hard tranisition for me. i am the kind of person that fits in anywhere because i know how to adapt. i know how to change and grow and mold myself to my surroundings, so i never had trouble making friends. i tried out for cheerleading in 7th grade and i was hooked. i was very good at it. after 9th grade, i wanted to audition for the performing arts school that was opening in my area, but i couldn't. we moved to indiana. my mom got caught up in this...i don't know what to call it, so i will say cult. it is called the way international. she got involved when i was in 4th or 5th grade and when i was going to 10th grade she decided to join what was called the way corps. their idea was to train people in religion in much the same way the military is trained. they made my mother quit her job and move to a "campus" where our every move was watched. she didn't even have the liberty to discipline us the way she felt necessary. if it wasn't their way, they kicked you out. that couldn't happen to us. we had no where to go. we were there until i graduated from high school. i went to college in indiana and i left as soon as i could get out. i moved back to NY when i was 24. i had nothing. my first apartment had nothing but an air mattress and a tv for about 6 months when i could afford to buy bedroom furniture. a few months after that, my boss gave me some furniture that she had in storage and wasn't using. then i saved money and i bought brand new furniture. now i have a fully furnished apartment in a much better area and i am doing really well for myself. i have left a lot out. there is so much more to tell. my bad relationships and what happned in them. actually, there was only one bad one. i think i will save that for another blog. that was a real abbreviated version. thanks for listening.
friends. how many do i have? hmmmm, i have always known that i am the kind of person that has more acquaintances than friends. i think the sad thing that i have come to realize is that some of the people that i used to consider to be friends have actually been much less so. i have never been the kind of person that has been needy. i don't need reassurance from the people in my life that they care for me, but what i do want, and what i think is fair is to request that they at least act interested in my life and in me and what i am doing. i have blogged about this before. about my friends who have not bothered to come visit me. well, i'm going to make a long story short. there was a group email going around and some of my "friends" were on the list. well, i replied to a series of emails and was just straight and honest, as i tend to be, and one of the people on the list had the nerve to tell me that i was turning into a bitch. it is funny. she is one that i haven't talked to in a couple of years. she is one that i stopped calling a friend a long time ago because i don't trust her. i have changed. i have grown up. i don't tolerate the same shit i used to and she is one of the people that i cut out on purpose. so i wrote her back and told her so. she did write back. and that is what she always does. so, someone calls you a bitch and you write back to defend yourself, but they don't write you back. funny, huh? i am so done.
what else is on my mind? so much, i am almost confused and i don't know what to think about next. i have so many thoughts swimming around. i am going to a knitting circle on saturday. i don't knit and i don't crochet. i have and i know the basics, but i don't do it well. i am going because i know that i am going to enjoy myself and i know that i need the relaxation. i am looking forward to it like you won't believe!!!!!
i want to write about my life. in chronological order. the beginning is blurry because i was young, but i want to talk about it. before i do so, i have to say that i am a person who is very weary of religion. i am a spiritual person and i know what God has done in my life, but i am very hesitant to join a church. in the end, you will know why.
i was born october 21, 1976. i was born in queens and my mother eventually bought a house in long island (uniondale) and we moved there. my father left my mother soon after i was born. i have struggled with that for a long time. i always feel like he left because of me. i wasn't the most beautiful baby in the world. let my mother tell it though, i was the most beautiful she had ever seen. my older sister was the cutest, but i digress. i feel like he left because it was too much pressure for him. even though he helped make me, i think i was too much. i remember kindegarten. my teacher was ms. turner. that was in uniondale. at 5 years old, i remember being in north carolina in 1st grade. my teacher was ms. dixon and we had class in a trailer. you know the kind they put on school yards that don't have enough room in the building. it was annunciation. that was the name of the school. it was a catholic private school. my cousins lived in NC also, and my older one was very mean to me. she punched me in the stomach when we were on the playground one day and she also tried to push me in front of a swing while someone was on it. we are friends now, but back then we didn't get along too well. 2nd grade was still in NC, but a different school. my teacher was ms. strayhorn. she hated me. i know she did. she was soooo mean to me. 3rd grade, i started school late at military trails elementary school in FL. i didn't stay there though. i changed schools in the middle of the year and went to king's academy. a non-denominational private school that my mother had to work extra hard to pay for my sister and i. my teacher was mrs. osborne. she was so nice to me, but i got caught lying once and was sent to the counelors office and got swatted. my mother never even hit us at home. i was at king's academy until 6th grade and then we moved to public school. that was a hard tranisition for me. i am the kind of person that fits in anywhere because i know how to adapt. i know how to change and grow and mold myself to my surroundings, so i never had trouble making friends. i tried out for cheerleading in 7th grade and i was hooked. i was very good at it. after 9th grade, i wanted to audition for the performing arts school that was opening in my area, but i couldn't. we moved to indiana. my mom got caught up in this...i don't know what to call it, so i will say cult. it is called the way international. she got involved when i was in 4th or 5th grade and when i was going to 10th grade she decided to join what was called the way corps. their idea was to train people in religion in much the same way the military is trained. they made my mother quit her job and move to a "campus" where our every move was watched. she didn't even have the liberty to discipline us the way she felt necessary. if it wasn't their way, they kicked you out. that couldn't happen to us. we had no where to go. we were there until i graduated from high school. i went to college in indiana and i left as soon as i could get out. i moved back to NY when i was 24. i had nothing. my first apartment had nothing but an air mattress and a tv for about 6 months when i could afford to buy bedroom furniture. a few months after that, my boss gave me some furniture that she had in storage and wasn't using. then i saved money and i bought brand new furniture. now i have a fully furnished apartment in a much better area and i am doing really well for myself. i have left a lot out. there is so much more to tell. my bad relationships and what happned in them. actually, there was only one bad one. i think i will save that for another blog. that was a real abbreviated version. thanks for listening.
20050801
It's lonely at the top...
i moved to new york because i really wanted to. i have always wanted to come back here. i was born here and it has always been in my heart. it was convenient for me to come because i was running away. i had to get out of where i was because i had gotten out of a relationship with someone who had moved on and i couldn't bear it if i had seen him with someone else, so i got out as soon as i could. it has now been 4 years and i have been all over the place visiting friends and family. my family has come to see me quite a few times. my friends on the other hand...not once has a friend come to visit me. not once. it is sad. it hurts my feelings. i have friends that always have visitors that they knew from college and stuff and everyone is always saying, "oh, you will get to meet her when she comes in february." and i do meet them, and they are nice, but you know what is so sad. i never have anyone to introduce to my friends here. they don't come to visit. i've been to visit all of them. it really makes me sad...
on to another subject. my friend, that is so in love with me. made me so mad today that i told him not to ever call me again. he hung up on me after screaming at me and telling me to shut up. i don't respond well to that. i don't do it to people and i don't ever expect it to be done to me. so, that's that. i won't have to worry about him anymore.
on to another subject. my friend, that is so in love with me. made me so mad today that i told him not to ever call me again. he hung up on me after screaming at me and telling me to shut up. i don't respond well to that. i don't do it to people and i don't ever expect it to be done to me. so, that's that. i won't have to worry about him anymore.
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