I'm it!!!!!!!!

thanks to Fuego by way of DQ, i am now it!!!!!!!! so, here goes!!!!!!!

Total # of books I own:

um, a lot. i keep everything that i have ever read. even magazines!!!!!!! how many cosmos do i have? a ton!!!!!!

Last book I bought:

well, i actually bought 2 books at the same time. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince and Inheritance.

Last book I read:

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Book I am currently reading:

Confession by Elizabeth Gage. it is about a woman who leaves her husband and runs away with her daughter's boyfriend. i am not done yet, but it is very interesting.

First memory of a book:

Amelia Bedelia. i used to love those books. i always thought it was so funny how she took everything literally. imagine my joy when i saw the my neice is reading them also!!!!!!

Five books that mean a lot to me:

1. i have to say The Bible. this book is of the utmost importance to me. it is a manual for life. everything in it can't be taken literally because the times are different, but it is our job to read it and see exactly what God intended for us to get out of it when we read it our day and time. He knew what the world was going to be because he is all knowing, and i believe that He made everything applicable to us. it is up to us to figure out how. and this is the journey. my favorite part is Proverbs 31. it talks about being a virtuous woman and that is the kind of woman i want to be.

2. The One in the Middle is the Green Kangaroo. i am a middle child and this is about a middle child finding the spotlight for once.

3. The Making of Haiti. i am haitian and have not yet had the opportunity to visit the country my family comes from, so reading about the history of it is very important to me.

4. Jane Eyre. My mother bought me this book. i hated it and i couldn't even finish it, but it was a gift from my mother, so i love it.

5. All About Me. this is a book that i bought that kind of serves as a diary. it has questions that i have to answer and it will be great one day for my kids to know who i was when i was young.


Books I'm looking forward to being consumed:

Inheritance. it is the second book in a series that i started a year ago. it just came out and it is a really interesting story. i can't wait to see what happens. it is amazing...this author is only 16 and he already has a best seller!!!!!!!!!!!

Books that are underrated:

The Grapes of Wrath. i really enjoyed this book. i never wanted to read it because i always considered it a "smart book", but it was really great. it had a sad ending, but it was still, all in all, a good book.

The Catcher in the Rye. another "smart book." i loved it. there is so much cussing in it and it is fun to read. the writer writes like he is talking and it is a little hard to follow sometimes, but it is really fun to read the story.

Books that are overrated:

Jane Eyre. all i can say is, What?

Memoirs of a Geisha. ok, i liked the book, i did, but it is not ALL THAT. i really enjoyed reading about the history of Geisha. Japanese history is very interesting and it was really educational for me to learn about the purpose of Geisha.

ok, that wasn't so bad!!!!!!! i will be getting TD next, if she hasn't been tagged by Max. Enjoy!!!!!!!!

Weight a minute...

ok, let's talk about this. our society has made it really hard on women, in particular, to be happy with themselves, no matter what they look like. for example. you have actresses like kelly ripa saying she was overweight in high school...she weighed 128 pounds. you have people talking about how huge renee zellweger got for the bridget jones movies...she was in a size 14 (the average size of american women). you have designer clothes that don't make clothes above a certain size. when was the last time you saw the average woman, not starr jones or oprah winfrey, wearing prada? and i don't mean the shoes. when you are fat, you have to shop at a special store and the prices are just as inflated as the clothes. it is so hard to come to terms with who you are and what you are worth in this country when everytime you turn around you see women killing themselves to be skinny. women who think they will not be loved if they are an ounce overweight. the pressure for men is not as bad. no, it's not. there is a brand of jeans called evisu...they are really expensive, designer jeans. when you go to the women's section, you will be hard pressed to find the jeans in plus sizes. i know a guy who is really big, and don't you know he was able to find a pair of evisu jeans for himself!!!! why is it that glamour is associated with thin? have you noticed that when you watch commercials, the classy, rich women are portrayed as thin. when you see a commercial featuring low income families or for discount stores (such as the big lots commercial), the women they use are frumpy, overweight and plain. so, i am talking to my friends today. i love them and they love me, so when they heard what i said they jumped on it because they wanted to be sure that i know i am priceless and that i am beautiful no matter what i look like. i said, "i got on the scale today and it was down 4 pounds. 4 down, 80 more to go!!!" ok, the number is high. at least, it seems so to them. to me, it is not really high, but my experience and knowledge has taught me that to put a number on weight loss is really very hard. you see, i am pretty muscular. i am also, overweight, but under all the fat, i have a lot of muscle. because muscle is denser than fat, the number i see on the scale is higher. having said that, i can really stand to lose a lot of weight. see, i don't want to lose weight to get a boyfriend, to get a job or to be beautiful. i am already beautiful. i love who i am. i am a good person, i treat people well and i can even honestly say that i think i am pretty easy on the eyes. of course everyone has those days when they just feel like warmed over shit. i have those days, but all in all, i can look in the mirror and find something about myself that i love. so, why am i discussing all this? well, because i want to make a point. you see, i don't have a problem with myself. i want to lose weight so that i can be more comfortable. in my clothes, out of my clothes, in the heat, on the train, on the bus, at a park, etc. i am doing it for myself, but the pressure in this society is so high that when i mentioned losing weight, my friends thought that i was putting an unrealistic number on the loss and they actually got worried about me. it is because they care for me. i know that, but it is just amazing to me to see that it was necessary. because, you see, a lot of people need that. they don't have the friends and the family that i have. they really think that they need to be skinny to be loved. i'm thankful to have my friends who make me feel really good about myself. i am thankful to have friends that want to protect me from potentially hurting myself to fit the image that society says i should be. i am thankful to have my friends...

Mopey Molly

i have a friend. he is tall, dark and handsome. no, literally. he's a lawyer. he is really sweet. i don't have romantic feelings for him. my feelings for him go no further than lust. plain and simple. i have known him for about 7 or so years and he says that he has had feelings for me the whole time. he told me just recently how deeply his feelings ran and i was floored. i didn't know what to say. i care for him and i love him, but not in the way he wants me to. he said that i made him want to be a better man. he said that he wants to do whatever it is that would make me the happiest person on earth. he said he would do that if he had the power. looks like i can be happy if i let myself, right? no. i don't know why, but i just can't feel attracted to him. it may have something to do with the fact that i don't trust easily. i don't know. or it may have something to do with the fact that i think he is a worry wart. well, i would exactly call him that, but sometimes he acts like a girl. for example. we live in different states. he is in michigan and i am in new york. he has a girlfriend there, but before you say anything you should know that he did not always have the girlfriend. the girl was a girl he was seeing and hesitated to make it official until he knew what would happen with he and i. he only made it official after i began seeing someone. well, he calls me in the morning and he calls at the time when i am in the shower or should be in the shower and should be getting ready to leave, so i don't really have time to talk. when he is not calling me in the morning he is calling me while i am at work. i don't answer my cell phone at work...i think it is tacky. well, so he says to me the other day, "i'm not going to call you in the morning anymore. i wonder if you are not picking up because you are with someone. i don't mean to be a nuisance, but it is really hard to reach you by phone." HUH?! ok, first, you shouldn't call me in the morning because i have to work and i don't want to be late because i stopped getting ready for talking to you. second, so what if i am with someone. you have a girlfriend and that doesn't stop me from calling you. you say you don't mean to be a nuisance, but look. you are complaining about me not picking up and say it is because you don't like the thought that i may be with someone else, but here you are on the other side with a girlfriend. isn't that just a little hypocritical? he says he is my friend, so why not just be happy for me if i have someone to keep me company? he has it, so why is it a bad thing when i do?

so, i guess those can be reasons why i just can't feel for him the way he wants me to. i personally don't really like talking on the phone. it makes my ear hot. i would prefer to text!!!!! but i really can't stand it when someone thinks you are mad at them or you don't want to talk to them if you haven't talked to them for a while. please don't be a mopey molly.

Untitled

i didn't realize it had been so long since i have posted. i need this outlet sometimes because it is easier to release my thoughts to the open space, where i am not sure who will read it. it's ok with me though because they don't know me. they can think what they want to think and i will be ok with that.

i'm at a crossroads in my life. i think i have been here for a few years now. i have a dream that i want to fulfill, but the fact that i have to live and pay my bills prevents me from doing so. i decided to go back to school because i can't do what i am doing forever. don't get me wrong. although i can think of many other things that i would love to do, the people i work with are nice (except for the occasional dud here and there, but that's everywhere), my bosses are extra cool (except when they make me stay late, but that's everywhere too), and it is a really tight environment. when i say tight, i mean everyone takes care of each other. my bosses take care of us and they stand up for us when they need to. there are not a lot of places that i would not be able to find the kind of working environment that i have, but my days are filled with wondering what will happen to me. i have a friend that just got engaged and it reminded me of how really alone i am. sure, i am surrounded by friends, but i want more than friends. there is no one there to pick me up when i feel like i just can't do it anymore. there is no one there to tell me that no matter what, what is meant to happen is going to be the best for me, but is that what my problem is? am i looking too much for someone to tell me all of this and not believing enough in the power of my Heavenly Father? have i really come to a point where i have forgotten that my life is His and that He has a plan for me and that i needn't worry. i have to do my part, but what is that part. i keep thinking that i am doing it, but am i? if i was, surely i would have seen some more results by now. is it fear? fear of failure? of course it is. i am afraid. i am afraid that i will make a fool of myself. i am afraid that the dream i have been dreaming is someone else's and should never have been mine, but how can that be the case when i feel it so deeply in my bones. how can it be that i am not meant to do what i love to do? i don't thing that is it. i am definitely afraid. afraid that it is too late. that is what it is. i keep thinking of ways that i can just get around it, but i can't. i have to face this head on and i have to hand it all over to God. i can't keep thinking that i can do it on my own. i never have and i never will. even if i have a man in flesh loving me and supporting me in a way that my family can't do because they can't give me that feeling i can get from someone i am in love with, i still need Him. i will always need Him. the mistake that i have made is that i haven't believed enough in His plan for me. His wonderful, awesome plan. something's got to give and that something is me. i have to give it to Him. surrender my heart. surrender my life and be a vehicle for Him. but can i do that on my own? my experience won't let me trust a church. i can't go into someone's building and let them tell me that i have been living my life wrong when i don't trust them to live theirs correctly. i have to pray...that's all i can do for now.